Florida’s GOP primary for governor: Undignified. Unedifying. Flat-out godawful.

I know y’all would probably rather not talk about the Republican candidates for governor of Florida.

However, distasteful as it is, we must: The primary is Aug. 18.

Now, this family-friendly publication frowns on scatological language, so let’s just call the campaign unseemly.

Undignified. Unedifying. Flat-out godawful.

Rep. Byron Donalds is the frontrunner by a mile, maybe two miles, polling at least 40 points ahead of his nearest rival, who is either (depending on the poll) Lt. Gov. Jay Collins or James Fishback, who calls himself a “businessman.”

Lower down the food chain, you’ve got a former speaker of the Florida House, a retired firefighter, an Auntie Anne’s pretzel franchise operator, and a guy who used to be a computer repair shop owner with several arrests for domestic abuse and child neglect.

There are others, but you’ve never heard of them and you never will.

Donalds has received the endorsement of the White House’s current occupant, the electoral equivalent of Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket.

The Trump stamp of approval counts for a lot.

Look what it did for the unrepentant adulterer Ken Paxton in Texas. He was impeached by his own party, yet he beat incumbent Sen. John Cornyn.

Some wild-eyed Democrats dare hope they might pull off a win this year: fresh-faced Presbyterian seminarian James Talarico is gaining in the polls.

But y’all: It’s Texas. A Dem hasn’t won there since the last Ice Age.

Here in Florida, the Dems are less embarrassing but also less likely to win anything, so we’ll talk about them another time.

For now, let’s concentrate on the GOP field.

Donalds has a built-in advantage, but also a few problems.

Spellcheck!

Remember the infamous Epstein “Birthday Book,” the one with the female torso and Donald Trump’s signature on her (ahem) pubic area?

Donalds leapt to Trump’s defense, assuring the world there was NO WAY that was Trump’s signature. He, Byron Donalds, had witnessed the man signing a gazillion things and that sig was just WRONG.

Except it wasn’t wrong.

Donalds would do better to just shut up about this can of worms.

He might also try hiring literate aides.

Pushing an education program he calls “Read to Succeed” on Instagram, he appeared before a sign reading “Achieveability.”

Spellcheck, congressman, Spellcheck!

One citizen wondered, “Is his staff just stupid, or do they hate him?”

Sad!

Then there are his policy positions, which are, shall we say, flexible.

He used to be all rah-rah about AI data centers, which his Big Uncool Friend Donald Trump calls “money machines.”

Thing is, Floridians don’t like data centers. According to a recent poll, 68% of us say “Hell, no!” to a data center anywhere near us.

Donalds finally noticed. He now expresses “concerns,” claiming he favors local governments’ ability to regulate these habitat-wrecking, water-greedy, grid-busting monsters, and has filed a bill in Congress to force them to get water and electricity from private sources, or manufacture power and water themselves.

(Not sure how people can manufacture water, but hey, Musk, Altman, et al. are supposed to be “geniuses,” so maybe they’ll figure it out).

It doesn’t matter, though. That bill will die on the vine.

Moreover, Donalds has received hundreds of thousands in campaign cash from tech moguls and data center builders.

Quiet part out loud 

Rival candidate James Fishback, who also says he has reservations about AI farms, pounced on Donalds like a squirrel on a doughnut, claiming Donalds wants to build data centers on “pristine land.”

Fishback’s barely polling in double figures; he needs more attention.

He’s getting it, too, largely by being, shall we say, racially insensitive?

He’s said Byron Donalds is a “slave,” and called him “Byrone.”

He suggested a black man be “lynched” for asking him uncomfortable questions about alleged sex with an underage girl.

That’s not all, y’all: He’s playing footsie with antisemites, too!

“AIPAC Shakur” is another one of his pet names for Donalds.

Fishback agrees with the unlovely and untalented white supremacist Nick Fuentes, who says, “Jews are running society. Women need to shut the [expletive] up. Blacks need to be imprisoned for the most part.”

We won’t go into too much detail about Fishback’s bizarre, somewhat troubling relationships with women (see underage above), but it’s worth noting that on May 23 he married one Valeria Quimby.

A mere couple of months ago, he presented a very different girlfriend to the public, one Francesca Raine, AKA “Crypto Barbie.”

Ms. Raine is unimpressed with how her former squeeze is handling all this, accusing him of ditching her for some “random girl after political pressure.”

Ah, young love.

A little more seriously, as of last week it was unclear whether Fishback would even be allowed to run in the August primary.

Seems in 2020, he lived and voted in Washington, D.C. Florida law says if you want to run for governor, you have to have been resident in the state for seven years.

Oops.

Lt. Gov. Jay Collins, jockeying with Fishback for second place, sued, pointing out Fishback was not, in fact, a Florida resident and should be booted off the ballot.

Lucky for him, a Leon County judge let him stay, suggesting because Fishback says he lives in Florida, he lives in Florida: “This Court will not be deciding the race between the Lieutenant Governor and Mr. Fishback. That will be in the very sound hands of the voters.”

Fishback crowed about his triumph over Collins’ and Donalds’ “lawfare” attack on him.

In response, Collins’ lawyer sniffed, “Who wants to vote for a candidate whose own sworn testimony is he committed mortgage fraud and doesn’t understand how the law works when it comes to election integrity and paying state income taxes?”

Where’s the DeSantis endorsement?

And what of Jay Collins himself? He’s still on the ballot and, given Donalds’ gaffe-prone campaign and Fishback’s ick-factor, you would think he’d be gaining more traction with Florida conservatives.

Collins is a decorated ex-Green Beret, rabid abortion opponent, and author of a bill that would have banned Pride flags at government buildings but allowed the Confederate battle flag (the bill was later withdrawn).

Like Donalds, Collins is adamant about forcing data centers to behave themselves vis à vis water and energy, but says moratoriums are “not the American way” — never mind that more than 20 localities have imposed them.

Collins says he’s running on a “Stop the Bullsh!t” campaign. Need I point out that AI oligarchs are epically full of the, er, bovine waste product?

It doesn’t matter, of course: We can leave Collins and Fishback to snipe amongst themselves.

Both are going to lose big.

Bad bromance

A more interesting line of inquiry is what Gov. Ron DeSantis will decide about who should replace him.

He has yet to endorse anyone.

DeSantis used to like Donalds but then Donalds, knowing his home-state governor was about to enter the 2024 presidential race, endorsed Donald Trump instead.

When Donalds tried to contact DeSantis, the governor wouldn’t take his calls, instead trying to convince Trump he was “unfit” to be Florida’s next chief executive.

Maybe he’s too busy plotting another presidential run; maybe he’s trying to figure out how to make a living once he’s kicked out of his government housing; maybe he’s freaked out at the thought he’ll soon have no power; maybe he’s struggling to decide which candidate he despises most.

He’s not exactly behaving like a good Republican soldier. As one Tallahassee political insider said, “Ron is leaving without a lot of friends.”

He could influence the race if he chooses, but perhaps the three most likely candidates in the primary might prefer he ignores them.

I’m confident Donalds, Collins, and Fishback can find a way to alienate a lot of Floridians without his help.