Humor: Grits, bugs and all the dirt on SC for newcomers
Oct 12, 2026 | 3:58 pm ET
Description
The moon rises behind the flags atop the South Carolina Statehouse dome in Columbia, S.C. on Tuesday, March 11, 2025. (Photo by Travis Bell/STATEHOUSE CAROLINA/Special to the SC Daily Gazette)
Dear Newcomer,
Thank you for making South Carolina the fastest-growing state in the nation.
And welcome to the land of kudzu, diabetes and data centers.
No doubt y’all have a lot of questions.
Here are some basics about South Carolina you need to know.
South Carolina has four seasons: summer, almost summer, still summer, and Christmas.
We don’t have global warming in South Carolina. We have global scorching.
Our state food is grits. This is not a side dish. Grits are a way of life.
Our state hospitality drink truly is sweet tea. We do not know how to make unsweet tea.
Our state vegetable is meat.
Our water quality is so good, it’s almost drinkable.
Our state bird is the mosquito.
Our state insect is the flying palmetto bug reading over your shoulder.
Our state reptile is that thing that just crawled under your porch.
Our state dog is all of them.
Our state flower is kudzu. (It isn’t but give it time.)
Our favorite style of home is mobile.
Our state highway is under construction.
Our individual retirement plan is winning the South Carolina lottery.
Contrary to what you’ve heard, South Carolinians are not a little crazy. We’re a whole lotta crazy.
We’re like the weather here: often unpredictable. We don’t have climate change. We have climate deranged.
South Carolinians will warmly welcome a newcomer — unless you brought your opinions with you.
When we disagree with you, we’ll disagree politely. Then we’ll talk about you after you leave.
We’re a state that loves to share generously — whether it’s food, stories or measles.
South Carolina has all three major religions: fundamentalism, evangelicalism, and football.
We argue about politics. We argue violently about barbecue.
In South Carolina, we don’t ask whether something can be fried. We ask why it hasn’t been fried already.
We always complain about our politicians, and we gleefully re-elect the same politicians so we’ll have something to complain about.
Speaking of which, state lawmakers were six weeks late in approving a state budget this year and punished themselves by doubling their own pay.
If a member of South Carolina’s congressional delegation holds a town hall meeting … just kidding, the congressional delegation doesn’t hold town hall meetings.
South Carolinians, in short, are friendly folk, even when we dislike you. If we say “bless your heart,” you should probably watch your back.
Please stop telling us how much better things were where you came from.
Life is slower here, and we do tend to mosey along. If you need something done right away, bless your heart.
South Carolinians on the road
South Carolina motorists drive either 15 miles an hour or 90 miles an hour. There’s nothing in between.
Many South Carolina motorists drive with their bright lights on, not to see better but to annoy you.
South Carolina drivers have heard of turn signals, but we haven’t found them yet.
If somebody tells you something is “just down the road,” bring a lunch.
We don’t have speed bumps on the road. There’s no need. The potholes control speed just fine.
If you see a deer cross the road, slow down. Mama Deer and Baby Deer are likely right behind.
Our utility poles often look brand new, thanks to the regular replacement program known as hurricanes.
South Carolinians identify themselves not by region of the state but by their high school.
Friday night is for high school football. Attendance is mandatory.
Just so you know, a newcomer is someone who has been here less than 50 years. A “native” requires three generations and a family cemetery.
Modernity has not passed us by. It has never come anywhere near us.
Just kidding. We have smartphones, high-speed internet and several counties where nobody can get a cell signal.
Don’t be surprised to see a Confederate battle flag around rural South Carolina. In South Carolina, the past is not dead. It’s not even past.
In fact, the past is often the future.
One of our state mottos is “Prepared in mind and resources.”
Please note: We are not prepared.
But welcome, anyway.
Columbia
