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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Another gun totin’ GOP woman pol flames out

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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Another gun totin’ GOP woman pol flames out

May 18, 2024 | 6:00 am ET
By Celia Rivenbark
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Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Another gun totin’ GOP woman pol flames out
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The author says South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem's of barnyard puppy murder does not bode well for her long-term political prospects. (Photo: Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images)

I blame Sarah Palin for the Republican male obsession with tough-talkin’, pistol-totin’ women candidates.

Remember how “Mama Grizzly” leaned out of helicopters to shoot wolves in her native Alaska? How she killed AND dressed out a moose before dawn? How her hunting prowess could fill the freezer with fresh reindeer burgers? She was the right wing’s modern-day Annie Oakley, full of sass and vinegar—a scrappy, safely sexy cowgirl in designer eyewear. Who could ask for anything more?

When her star faded (too many silly, polarizing statements and a personal life rife with drama), the Republican males who had once adored her trampled Palin’s political ambitions like a herd of caribou.

But even as they grew bored with Palin, there was a rattling in the boniest, most citified chest of the Republican male politician. They yearned for another gun-lovin’ gal. Who could fill the void?

Colorado’s Lauren Boebert had the smart-girl glasses, good hair and aphrodisiacal pistol in holster that made them swoon. For a time. This was the new Palin! No telling how far she would go! Unfortunately, that question was answered in a theater full of families and, sigh, more drama. Boebert became Calamity Pain. What now? Liz Cheney certainly knew her way around a working ranch but—shudder—not only did she use really big words correctly in sentences but also demonstrated a worrisome amount of integrity. Yuk.

The new Annie Oakley would need to be smart enough to read a speech while looking cute in jeans. She’d need to be chastely flirtatious with menfolk and blather on about the importance of being armed in public without pesky “background checks,” “weapons training” and “waiting periods for buying guns” favored by East Coast elites, may they rot in the bad place.

Enter the black heart from the Black Hills, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, who checks all the boxes!

Attractive in the Palin mold, smart (enough), puppy murderer…

Wait, what?

You probably expect me to join the chorus of folks who found the now famous tale of Noem bloodlessly executing her rambunctious pup after luring it into a gravel pit repugnant, even nauseating.

And you’d be right. 

The puppy asked for it, she said. Cricket was a chicken killer that disobeyed Noem’s every command. In her new autobiography, Noem brags about killing the 14-month-old pup then ending the day by shooting a goat that had gotten on her bad side once too often.

Hey, who among us hasn’t shot up the family pets when they start acting out? I mean besides Jeffrey Dahmer. 

Did Noem not have an advisor with the stones to say, “Nobody wants a puppy murderer for vice president, you prairie trash!” Where were her GIRLFRIENDS???? In the freezer? 

Once on the short list for Trump’s veep, Noem is faux puzzled by all the flap and has doubled-down on her “ranch woman takin’ care of bidness” act. Here’s a woman who probably replays the first few minutes of “John Wick” with a big ol’ bowl of ice cream on her lap. (If you know, you know.)

We owe an apology to Republican Senator Mitt Romney. Remember how he was vilified for placing the family dog atop his station wagon for a 12-hour road trip? Seamus, the family Irish Setter, made the trip in a carrier outfitted with a windshield so he could see where he was going!

Seems downright Hallmarkian now, doesn’t it?

Ted Cruz left Snowflake in a freezing house and flew to Cancun but at least he left a flunkie to feed the lil poodle. What IS it about Republicans and dogs anyway?

Noem apparently shared the story to illustrate her ability to make tough decisions, just as she would as vice president and beyond. 

Yeah, no.

Time to put this ol’ girl out to pasture. She’s not good enough to be dog food.