Celia Rivenbark: The only thing that can save us is…big pharma?!

There’s an old joke that if men were the ones who got pregnant, they’d be able to get an abortion at a 7-Eleven. I’d go a step further and say they’d also demand a Big Gulp and free taquitos from the “hot” bar before they left. Such is the entitlement of those men who talk about women’s biology with so much conviction and so much ignorance. 

It is maddening.

Just this week, a gent who took exception to my recent column about trans phobia decided he would explain female anatomy to me. 

“Women are born with a placenta,” he chided me.

Well, no, Dr. Dingbat, we’re not. But let’s not let facts get in the way of a lecture from someone who’s never given birth. Or had a period. Or miscarried. Or, or, or, or, or….

His inference was we should use that placenta because it’s in there already! Perhaps he thinks a placenta is like the rear windshield wiper in a car. It’s there but some of us don’t even use it. Don’t let your placenta become the rear windshield wiper!!!!

All we can do now is pin our hopes on…big pharma.

Yes, I know they’re usually cast as the villain, metaphorically twisting their mustaches, and plotting which congressmen to buy next but…we need them to bring their A game and quickly.

Yes, big pharma, now’s the time to win over the skeptics by battling a truly silly and definitely dangerous trend of no-name judges mucking up the lives of normal people for a political agenda.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but: Big Pharma, will you accept this rose? No, that’s not what I meant to say. But it sorta is. Because they’re the only ones with the stones AND the snarling spike-collared lawyers who can nip this crazy in the bud.

A bit of background for those who may have missed it: Last month, a Texas judge ruled the abortion pill mifepristone should be outlawed because …well, something he made up about how the FDA didn’t test it enough even though it has been used safely for more than two decades. 

It didn’t take long for Big Pharma to figure out, if a random judge from Backward Ballcap, Texas, can claim (with zero proof) a drug wasn’t properly vetted by the FDA (it was), then every drug on the market is at risk.

As of this writing, The Supremes have put a pin in things, so mifepristone is still available but, make no mistake, this is not over. It’s just a commercial break in the daily hellscape of eviscerating women’s control over their own reproductive health.

That’s why I say, suit up Big Pharma. We’re counting on you.

Like Aunt Verlie said when she saw the two-headed calf at the county fair: “I can’t hardly believe it.”

Yes, folks, Big Pharma, the same folks that historically charged way too much for your insulin and got sued for peddling opioids like Skittles has a big chance to redeem a reputation that is, well, a bit tarnished.

But, like a certain lithe dancer vacationing in the Catskills with her social climbing parents, nobody puts Big Pharma in the corner.

I’m guessing most drugs targeted for recall in the future will be prescribed for women because, duh, harlots, but if there’s enough noisy outrage, those in power may have to toss a bone, so to speak, to those who allege unfairness.

The most obvious “shut ‘em up” would be doing away with male enhancement drugs. Why? Because that’s a pure pleasure drug that has nothing to do with procreation. Can’t have that.

Just kidding. That would never happen! Remember the taquito bar? The problem as I see it is too many people in power are treating their brain like the rear windshield wiper, just forgetting to use it. Let’s do better.