‘Be A Man’ wrestles with growing up in the West’s ‘cowboy culture’

In the West and in places like Montana, the allure and myth of the cowboy is so much more powerful than the reality of a person who wears a western-style hat, boots and works with cattle on horses.

But the myth of the loner, tough guy, and emotionally disconnected stoic is the topic of a new memoir, written by notable Montana author Russell Rowland, who also writes a bimonthly column for the Daily Montanan.

“Be A Man: Raised in the Shadow of Cowboys” chronicles Rowland’s life from upbringing to his adulthood in which he struggles with growing up, becoming a man and assimilating into the West, where every male must live up to that archetype, which Rowland said is an untrue creation of Hollywood.

Rowland grew up on a ranch in Wyoming, not far from the Montana border, before moving to Billings. His memoir paints a picture of a father who was aloof and an alcoholic, coupled with a mother with a fiery temper who would avoid discussing the painful parts of life.

That led to Rowland’s own isolation, alcoholism and a pool of anger that would burst out occasionally as rage. The memoir is part explanation, part outreach to let others — especially men — know the manly cowboy image is far from the truth.

Instead, the book also holds up the ideal of working together against a wide-open and sometimes unforgiving environment, relying on community and family, and developing a comfort with feelings. Rowland said those discoveries have taken him more than 20 years of writing and rewriting before finishing the memoir. Along the way, he’s also cut out several passages, rewritten other parts, making it less of a vendetta against the past and those who harmed him, and more about seeing the unreal expectations that the West places on its men.

“We also seem to have this idea that abusive men are incurable,” Rowland said.

He watched the transformation of his father, especially after he quit drinking — a story that replayed itself in Rowland’s life. That transformation that began with sobriety also led to deeper understanding about what is possible.

“This is to let other men and women know that I experienced and overcame uncontrollable anger,” Rowland said. “I wanted to explore where it came from, and why it seemed like I couldn’t stop.”

From a very early age, Rowland said he kept repeating a pattern of frustration, tension and tantrums.

“I had no tools,” he said. “It just didn’t go away. I would replay sh-t in my head until it just exploded.”

He lived in the shadow of his father, who Rowland said was “perpetually unsatisfied by his life” and parents who seemed to always be quarreling.

“My father would just distance himself,” he said.

Rowland’s mother is still living, and he said it was a challenge to write the stories honestly, as it was a challenge for her to read it.

Her reaction has been a mix of feeling horrible and not remembering some of the incidents.

“Naturally, she was concerned with what other people would think,” Rowland said.

Even though his father didn’t live long enough to see “Be A Man” make it into print, Rowland said he’s pretty sure he knows what he’d think.

“I think Dad would have had an easier time with it. He was actually pretty open-minded once he got sober,” Rowland said.

Both father and son trying to live a life of sobriety would sometimes lead to talking about the past.

“We had a lot of pretty frank conversations,” Rowland said. “I just decided the issues were important. The question of how to treat women and develop friendship with other men — we didn’t learn how to do that. We don’t do that in the West.”

What finally nudged Rowland toward finishing the book was during researching what has been arguably his most successful book, “56 Counties” — a travelogue and history of Montana’s 56 counties. It was during researching the history of Montana that he discovered something that struck him: Early pioneer men didn’t quite fit that pattern of stoic, hardened cowboy that is often portrayed.

“They were way more emotionally vulnerable than I had expected,” Rowland said.

Instead, Rowland blames a traveling writer from the East, Owen Wister, who wrote “The Virginian,” which became a runaway success more than a century ago, and the template for many cowboy or western-themed novels, movies and songs.

During research for the book, Rowland said he watched many western films — something he had done often. But this time it was different. He noticed different things.

“I was shocked at how often men would beat women on screen — just smack them around,” he said. “I noticed how often they weren’t married, or didn’t have a girlfriend. And, even when they would kiss a woman, they would just grab the woman and kiss them.

“Men didn’t know how to develop relationships not just with women, but with other men.”

He realize that this was the archetype or character that not only was admired by those living in the West, but the type of person many parents encouraged their young men to emulate.

“The cowboy myth is that if you’re a real man, if you got your sh-t together, nothing bothers you. But nobody is like that,” Rowland said. “We have one of the highest rates of suicide in the nation, especially men in rural communities who aren’t allowed to deal with their problems or what’s troubling them.”

He said that led to a life defined by one emotion, anger.

“I didn’t know how to talk about feelings,” he said. “I had to learn a whole new language.”

That came after he joined the United States Navy and got in trouble while fighting on a ship. The captain recommended he seek some counseling for his anger.

That meant confronting the brokenness in his own relationships, including being a combative if not abusive husband.

“It gave me empathy for my victims,” he said. “That’s not fun. That was tough. You have to realize that you hurt people that you were supposed to be protecting.”

Rowland hopes that by sharing his stories — even the difficult or unflattering ones — that it will give the strength to other men isolated by anger to seek connection and healing.

Ironically, it was working through the mythology of the cowboy that gave Rowland a new appreciation for those things in the western culture that are more savory.

“There are good qualities including perseverance and the ability to adapt and change that come from our Western heritage,” Rowland said.